Relationship Help Forum: Bad Relationship

Here's another instalment of our relationship help forum articles. These are true relationship crises faced by real women. We change any recognisable detail and share the story (and the possible solution) with you so that you can be helped if you're in the same situation. You can find more real life relationship crises stories on our Relationship Help Forum page. 

Here's today's story.

Dear Anne

My boyfriend broke up with me earlier this week after 9 months together. I’m finding it really difficult to cope. I keep wanting to call or text him in case he changes his mind. It doesn’t help that we have split up quite a few times in the past and after I have cried and asked for us to try and work things out, we have always got back together pretty quickly.

Forgave him for past mistakes

This time he’s saying its over for good, that we’ve tried to make it work too many times and failed. The thing that hurts the most is that I forgave him for so many things in the past (he was messaging other girls behind my back, he hit me once when he was drunk and he lied to me on several occasions). After all of those things I had difficulty trusting him but I knew that with time I would be able to regain a reasonable amount of trust back, (even though he expected it to come back over night). It finally came to a head a few nights ago when I used his laptop (with his permission) and noticed that he had changed his instant messaging picture from a picture of us to a picture of his car, and he had also taken it off of automatic sign in. As I still didn’t trust him fully I questioned why he would do that and he got really angry and told me he was fed up of my lack of trust and to get out of his house.

Having trust issues

I’ve tried talking to him since then but he just tells me to leave him alone, I’ve said I’m working on my trust issues as well as my low self esteem (my lack of self esteem really didn’t help the situation) but he said its not going to work. I asked him if he could change his phone number as I know it off by heart and I know I wouldn’t have the will power to not contact him whilst I still have his number in my head. He refused to change his phone number which makes me think he enjoys knowing the pain I’m in.

I just feel so devastated because I gave so much to our relationship, I forgave him in situations that he would never have forgiven me for and he ended it over something relatively small compared to past issues we have been through. I would like to add he does have anger problems - he used to be hooked on drugs and is in a lot of debt, plus his father committed suicide a few years back in a terrible way.

Wanting to give him another chance

I know it has only been less than a week since we broke up but I honestly don’t want to go on without him. I gave so much to him and I don’t want this to be the end, I love him with all of my heart and just the night before he broke up with me he told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he never wanted to lose me.

I am such a mess at the moment I need some good advice!

Relationship help forum: bad relationship - possible solution

Dear S,

You need to pick your head up off the floor, you’re wiping his feet with your hair.

Why are you crying and asking him to take you back? You’ve got some serious issues, and none of them have anything to do with your ex. Before you read on, I want you to re-read your post. Do you see what message this gives you about yourself?

Take on your own responsibility

He has/had anger and drug problems, he hit you, he cheat on you, he lied to you then when he was tired of wiping his feet on you, he threw you out. Now you’re asking him for the pleasure of doing it all over again.

To be fair to him, why does he have to change his number? Why are you exempt from taking responsibility for your own actions when the rest of us are?

Choose to make a change

Take your actions into your own hands and stop yourself from calling. What has happened to you to make you so weak and unable to see how valueless you’re making your life? It’s obviously time to choose to make that change. Whatever has happened in the past, it’s up to you to give it up and CHOOSE your own path. Believe me when I say that I know it’s possible.

You said that you’ve given so much into the relationship. I’m sure you have, but many people have spent years giving and giving and in the end it still does not work out in their favour. At the moment you’ve only wasted nine months. Walk away now before that becomes nine years.

He's had enough, now it's up to you

Believe your ex when he says that he’s had enough. He does not have to love you just because you do him. This, sadly is not how love works. There is no reason why someone has to love you just because you feel something for him.

I hope you can find the strength to work on yourself. Believe me when I say that this is a relationship you absolutely don't need to go back to. Here is another one of my articles. This one offers advice on how to be happy and single. You don’t have to have a man to be whole. This is the advice you need and it’s all been put together in this article, so I won’t bother to repeat it all here. Suffice to say, you're your own better half - even if you don't know it yet.